I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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