mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
