I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
