she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
