and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
