Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
