I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
