sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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