1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Randomize
