it wasn't lemon gatorade
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
