you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
