Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
