i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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