My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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