Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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