She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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