I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
You can't motorboat a personality
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
