On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Randomize
