1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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