just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
