Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Is Oprah even human
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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