how can u be prego again
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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