My liver just broke up with me...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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