in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
