My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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