Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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