sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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