drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
