Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Boobs are out for the taking
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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