This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
is that a dick in a sweater?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
