sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
