You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
