She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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