i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
