Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
