How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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