I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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