Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
