there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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