you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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