Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
well you can't waste a boner
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
