Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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