your parents love me but you hate me
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
