Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
