had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
