I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
