i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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