It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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