Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
