It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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