Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
