God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
