I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
