I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
