Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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