i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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