First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
