Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
